Let us meet…

…in her room- the forsaken, darkest room I have ever been in my whole life.

At the place where our worlds collide, where we could finally understand each other after months of throwing punches. The bruises, bruises and scars I have got from those fights. It was endless and nobody raises the white flag yet until now. You will hear me say that it’s all fine.  This rendevous would be short-lived, I reassured you. Like a lighted match extinguishing itself after seconds of lighting it up.
    Let us meet wearing our work clothes. The dirt from the outside dimension still clings on the corners of our clavicles. Let us meet even if I could still smell myself bearing the rancid scent of antibiotics and isopropyl alcohol. Your breath smelled like blueberry fields from all the artificial smoke you were inhaling. You still smelled the same- you smelled like you. How I wish you were still the same to my eyes because you secretly died and the cemetery is my mind.

  You probably didn’t know I had a new tattoo on my inner arm. You didn’t know I lost tremendous amount of weight. Heck, I didn’t even  know you still wear the shirt I gave you before I left. We are once again strangers sharing the same bed for a short while. 

  I asked myself if I still loved you. In all honesty, all those butterflies died a long time ago. I don’t feel what I felt the first time we shared a room. Love? I don’t want to feel love anymore. I probably don’t deserve it, you are probably not worthy of my time anymore. 

 I don’t even care if you touched other woman. All I need is the temporary adrenaline. When all of this is over, I will go home and will forget I ever knew you again. 

  We’re the only ones who knew we meet. What scandal it would be if anybody knew we are meeting at Sofia’s place. She didn’t even know, nobody knows. Nobody will know.

You’re The Flag of China…

… when I thought you’re just the flag of Japan.

I should’ve noticed all the jeopardy that would come my way; I should have not let you in my life.

All these years, I have helped you. My piffle mind self-incinerated itself because of you but I managed to wake up and survive… barely.

I succumb to episodes and bouts of death, pitying myself and living with sadness every waking day. I couldn’t even lift my feet from my slumber; I often told you I was exhausted, you ignored it. I am deeply sorry if I didn’t make yourself heard or seen because all that was in front of me was darkness, like swimming in a dark, deep abyss of loneliness that all of my energy was focused on me, myself, and I.

I couldn’t blame you, I wouldn’t blame you if you left. But you shouldn’t blame me either if I begged and cried because I was saving what was good that was left. I endured all the harsh words, all the disgusting things you have told me to salvage everything- to save us. During the denouement, it was my last energy. I broke down and wanted to jump from the 3rd floor of the very building I was working because I had no hope, my lifeline left me broken and torn into pieces. My head couldn’t digest the fact that a flawed human could tolerate himself finding another lover in just a day of wanting space. You should have told me you wanted the galaxy instead of space because the gap between us now is astoundingly panoramic, nothing can reach the you to me… not even a space shuttle can do that.

I previously loved every piece of you- your hair, your lips, your voice. I could still remember the pieces of whites you have on your hair, like a firework in a dark, starless night. Your broad back which I loved the most when you hugged me. That hug was all that I needed when I was having a bad day. Now, all that you have left me is the stale bitterness of anger and revenge hanging inside my mouth that I wanted to spit out but I can’t. I wanted to remember all the good days but you made me mad like a rabig dog salivating for revenge.

I told you not to hold grudges against the world, I taught you how to forgive. Meanwhile, you taught me how to hold on to madness to survive.

You made me mad but that’s how love’s supposed to be. Maybe on the other side of the moon, in the alternate universe, there is you and me that works but I hope there’s no other you and me anymore. We are the glitch of the system, the by-product of trauma.

I still cry all the time, each night I go to slumber when I happen to think of you. Last time, it was because of sadness. Now, it’s because of uttermost anger that I couldn’t project.

“Que sera, sera”

Whatever will be, will be.

Evermind

I still write about trivial things, the peculiar ones especially. One thing’s for sure: I don’t write when I feel elated. I must be devastated as hell.

Evermind, evermind- my simbelmyn̈e.

Ever wondered why flowers grow on tombs? Do they grow there because of the abundance of vital things they need? Or do they grow there to feed on the memories of the dead?

Simbelmyn̈e, simbelmyn̈e.

All of the memories you left, I’m still watering them, letting them take over my room.

They crawl- the vines creep against the walls of my very room. Dehydrating and drinking the moisture from the concrete. My sorry self is very much aware that the walls of my room will soon crumble as the twines devour the entirety of the cement palisade but I am too pre- occupied, entertaining your ghost.

The snowy colored blossoms dangling from each vine die each time I try to disregard them but they bloom too fast that if it happens that they will imbibe even just a single tear from the orifice of my tear duct, they will flourish.

Alas! The reason you cannot die lies within me, under my very nose literally.

My heart, my mind is a simbelmyn̈e– feeding upon the dead, the rotten leftovers. Enjoying tombs, the skeletons of the past.

You cannot die, you will never die. As long as somebody preys upon your bequeathal, as long as someone is still tending the memories you have left behind.

Simbelmyn̈e, simbelmyn̈e, evermind.

Eating Ramen with You.

The thing is, I always wanted to eat and thread myself inside the bowl of a magical ramen and wallow with my long term growing sadness that has been outgrowing my intellect since I was 17 years old. I always wanted to eat at a ramen shop on a cold, post drizzle Monday afternoon viewing the people passing by, judging them one by one by their weird outfits. The first time I ate with someone at my favorite ramen shop, I almost fainted because of happiness. Deep inside my cranium, I always imagine eating with someone I found so dearly smiling from ear to ear, talking about nonsense and whatnot. I’d be so glad if I am eating spicy chicken ramen with extra cuts of cabbage on the side if I am seeing the love of my life enjoying my recommended food for him. It could be heaven if he tells me “I love you” in the middle of slurping noddles like an endless cassette tape reel; like an endless thread of yarn he cannot cut using his teeth. It didn’t matter if he accidentally snorts in the middle of doing it. I just wanted a good talk in the middle of eating an extremely good ramen with him.
But the thing is, January 27, 2012 would be the last time I would be eating  in my favorite ramen place with him. I always liked their braised pork, their spicy chicken ramen. But, today is just different. Damn, that was the most awful ramen I ever tasted in my whole 22 years of existence. The taste of spices tingled the back of my throat, spewing nasty tears out of my eyes as I swallowed a huge lump of karaage.
         The thing is, I wanted to cry on my knees when you told me you’re leaving while waiting for your usual order of ramen. You stared down the bowl like you’re daydreaming as you said you don’t love me anymore. I was supposed to be happy because I am with my favorite person, in my favorite place, eating my favorite food. Dear, I wanted to run away from that awful place… wanted to disappear, wanting to die.
Things don’t resonate like before when I passed by that cursed ramen shop. It’s been a year and I haven’t stepped inside of it and I never wanted to again.
Eating ramen with you is something I wanted to do… before you left my fragile heart; before you left me melting like an egg yolk in a bowl of hot soup.

“I’m sorry, I must’ve been mistaken you for someone else…”

‘Lo and behold the time that I first met you. You were the vast moonless sky, thirsty for some moonlight. I met you at the corner of the pavement between forgotten streets where strangers meet and lovers leave. You were blowing gray smoke wearing charcoal band shirt and jeans. You were striking, quite familiar actually. In the deepest parts of my amygdala, a feeling of nostalgia kept on running inside my skull; Like a previous love that was never mine. When we were slowly approaching each other, our eyes met; Our souls melted together. My blabbermouth accidentally uttered: “I’m sorry. Have we met before?” Hopeful that I could get a positive response. 

“I’m sorry but I don’t remember  you.” You quickly responded.

“Oh.” I gulped. ” I’m sorry. I must’ve mistaken you for someone else.”

That encounter created a spark and started a fire between two lost souls seeking for comfort in the middle of nowhere. Soon, the fire started spreading everywhere, warming my cold, steel heart. That fire was uncontrollable, burning anything at stake. Although it was good at the start, it was slowly turning into a fiery chasm, devouring me and my sane being. It was not long until the fire was extinguished; Ending everything in fragile ashes. 

One year later, I saw you again at the same pavement; In the same month; during the same time. I could no longer call you my love. Maybe I was right at first- you will be forever the love that was, is, and never will be mine. 

Our eyes met but our soul were repelling from each other. Your gray smoke escaped from your mouth, along with your sighs. I smiled sheepishly. Your quick response was “Hey.” Your eyes were blank, not the eyes that I knew before. 

“You look familiar, have I met you before?” I said wrinkling my forehead. That was intentionally said with a little bit of sarcasm. 

With a soft smirk, I added. “I’m sorry. I must’ve been mistaken you for someone else.”

Love Yourself

Love Yourself.

Such a cliché phrase but apparently, it made my waking life a lot more better.

For almost 21 years that I existed, I thought that I was really accepting and loving myself; for all of these years I thought that I was really paying attention to every little detail on how to empower myself.  I was really convinced that I was loving myself unconditionally but no; It was just pure selfishness out of desperation.

My absence on social networking sites this past week helped me realize and enlighten myself for all the wrong things that I have been doing all my life. I have been reading and writing a lot and you know what’s funny? I used the pen and paper after a year of using the digital way. I was not okay at first because once I use the pen and paper, I was prone to what they call “writer’s block” but I didn’t have it this time.
In addition to that, I have been addicted to alcohol ever since I turned 19 years old. I was loving the pure euphoria it was causing me but my body had enough of it. After drinking an unknown amount of the evil in a bottle, I just had the worst relapse ever in my life. No, I didn’t hurt myself like I used to; I didn’t even think of it. It was just the feeling of  emptiness from within and being depressed to the point that I forgot I didn’t even take a bath for 3 days already. Contrary to the usual belief, being depressed is not just feeling sad and lonely. Depression is not just tears and suicidal thoughts. The worse thing of having depression is not feeling anything in the middle of the night and being numb from all the things around you. I was sleeping at 5 am for a week straight now and maybe because I was consuming a lot of caffeine lately… or it was just my demons not letting me sleep.
Let’s go back again to the main thought of this essay or whatever you call this creation: Love yourself.
Friends, love yourself so that if other people are rejecting you, you will not be afraid of erasing that person in your life. Don’t be like me; don’t love a person just because you wanted to feel loved. If you feel that a person is no longer loving you back, just follow these steps: 1.) Go to the nearest airplane ticketing office; 2.) Book a flight to Japan or Korea; 3.) Don’t pack your things, just go away from that toxic person.
Love yourself so that you will no longer be able to beg for love. Don’t be like me; don’t be such a desperate bag of petty shit begging for people to love you.
Love yourself so that you will realize how beautiful and how amazing the universe have created you. I was never believing myself; I was always dragging myself and often degrading my physical appearance. Maybe because I was bullied when I was in my elementary years. I was often looking myself in the mirror with disgust on my face; I hated myself to the point that I suffered from anorexia and bulimia when I was in high school. I literally didn’t eat for days just to be “lovely”. Everytime I remember that, I always wanted to punch my face. How stupid was I? Last 3 days, I was having an emotional breakdown at 3am and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know why out of the blue, I listened to BTS’ song called “21^st Century Girls” and started crying like a baby. Don’t put this against me, the song has an uplifting beat but once you look at the translated lyrics of it in Youtube, the song was talking about empowering girls of this generation and to never degrade or insult yourself because you’re beautiful just the way you are. *lowkey promoting BTS*
Lastly, love yourself… love yourself, love yourself. I have no other good reason but the fact that you only have yourself when you’re facing some tough times in your life, please learn to love yourself.

Peace humans. Don’t do drugs.

-Rinzeki

You Were Too Good for Me.

        “I have fallen out of love…” 

     When those words came out of your mouth, my eyes involuntarily gushed out cold, misery filled tears that I, myself, couldn’t even contain. “Stupid…” I whispered to myself. I swore to the heavens above me that I prepared myself for this thing to happen. I just didn’t expect that it would hurt this much. Weird, isn’t it? We associate the feeling of brokenness with our hearts- the very thing that’s pumping us with blood, the very thing that is keeping us alive. That little vessel resting inside my chest is now metaphorically broken because of those six words you just uttered…*

                 Before I could regret my decision in reading the handwritten letter that has been lying in the dinner table since yesterday, I frantically folded it again in half and placed in where it was originally. Every word in that very letter was  skewering my heart and maybe I deserve this after all. It’s been… how long was it, my love? I lost track of time because I was busy; I was not even catching up with my friends anymore. A lot of things that happened between us has been bombarding me, keeping me awake until 5 in the morning. Sometimes, when I think of you, I automatically stare at the white colored ceiling and ask myself what was wrong with me.  I wished I could say these things to you before we decided to wrap everything up in our past relationship.

It was entirely my fault that I screwed up every little good thing you did to me. You were the one who were deciding where to go, where to eat. I knew to myself that it was supposed to be me who should be doing that and maybe you were right… maybe I have the princess syndrome and I am sorry.

During my 22nd birthday, you gave me a vintage film camera. You told me that from that time on, we should make memories together using that very camera. Despite of that lovely idea, I did not take any photos of you. Surprisingly,  I did not hear any harsh words from you.

You were always affectionate to me. Well, I was too but during the last two months of our relationship, I purposely forced myself to act cold when you were around because as I said to you, I was so sick of lying to myself and I was also sick of making you hope that I was still in love with you. I was slowly falling out of love and I did not tell you because I was… no, I am an asshole. How could I ever do that to you? I also question this to myself.

The very day that everything fell apart, I was hoping that you will slap the shit out of me because I deserved that. I deserve a slap, a punch, a yell or all of the mentioned above but instead, you just cried. You were blaming yourself even though it was all me; It was supposed to be me who should be blamed out of all of this. I did not hear anything from you and now I am surprised to everything that I read in that piece of paper.

Darling, I am sorry I broke your little heart. You were too good for me, I did not deserve your love and affection. You do not deserve anything from a broken man like me. As I am now ending this, I suddenly remembered the rose I gave you. It’s like our love. It was beautiful in the beginning but it would eventually lose its beauty and would wither. Everything will eventually wither just like my love for you.

So long,
김태형

 

 

 

 

*Words by Adrelle. Modified by Rinzeki

-For Adrelle-

 

Thank you, my Summer love

… for giving me temporary happiness to my permanent madness. You calmed my inner demons; you tamed the raging blood that is flowing violently through my veins. You became my moon and stars during my desolated lonely nights; your bright aura became my scorching sun. Although I can’t possibly see you physically, I was positively sure that I also made you happy even if it was just a stint of time.
Well, maybe it was entirely my fault. I was vulnerable and was hurt that I needed some love. I was a meek kitten desperately needing somebody to save me from the chaos that I was in.  I admired you so much even in the past and I thought it was the right time to let you know that. But then, well… shit happens. Maybe I’m destined to be hurt in a way so that I could continue writing about heartbreaks and negativity. Maybe it’s bullshit to believe that someone like you could ever find me interesting in whatever way that I was imposing. The past days were amazing, but I regret all the things you said to me especially those which made me happy. Now, all that we have talked about is a sheer glimpse of the short lived romance that nobody would ever know.
You told me that maybe we haven’t found our soulmate yet because we haven’t found our soul. You’re wrong, very wrong. We both have souls even before we met each other. It’s just that, you let yours fade overtime. 

If you’re Akari Shinohara, I’ll be your Takaki Toono

I wanted to write my feelings out by just letting my hand wander through the series of letters in front me. I have wasted tons and tons of paper for days and I still couldn’t find inspiration in the happy things I have been experiencing these days. You know what I have been feeling? I kept on telling myself that I had enough already. I knew to myself that I needed to be free from you, from your memories but somehow, I chose to wallow in the pain and suffering of the thoughts of the impossible. I kept on deluding myself about the “what if’s”.

I have watched the anime movie called “5 Centimeters per Second” and ever since I finished watching it, it seems that I cannot get out it. I mean, just imagine… what if I confessed to you earlier? What if 6 years ago, I told you this? What if I fought for you from the beginning?

Maybe if I did that, we didn’t end up like Akari and Takaki. Well, except for the undeniable fact that I am Takaki and you’re Akari instead.. Maybe if I cried while confessing we’ll be ending up being together, yes? But, no. I refuse because I know you’re not for me. I just cannot accept the fact that if I did something right in the past, things would be different then.

Fuck you. You’re my classmate in grade school, in high school. Did destiny intentionally did that so I couldn’t get away from you? Well, fuck destiny then. Because of that, everything that I see reminds me of you. Oh, you hear that song? Yes, we used to play that in the guitar together. See that jeepney? It’s the same jeepney you were in last 4 years ago with your former girlfriend. If I chased you down last 4 years ago and told you that your former lover isn’t the one, maybe you didn’t end up hurting today.

Why? Why am I feeling all these regrets? They’re seeping down my bones and my brainwaves. They’re so toxic that I can vomit and still can feel the ill effects of it.

I cannot properly express what I am feeling for you. Pretty surprising since I can speak English, Hiligaynon, Tagalog, Spanish, and Japanese but I cannot find the right words to say how fucking dense you are. Thank you for ruining my life. Oh, no… you didn’t need to smile to me while I’m riding my skateboard down the street last Saturday. Because of that, I wanted to trip you off your bicycle and slap the hell out of you while crying.

This is the last time I’ll write something about you because all of these are destructive for both me and yourself

So long my dear friend. I hope our string of fate won’t tangle again.

To the guy who messed up my life

First of all, I didn’t write this out of sheer desperation. I wrote this because out of all the things that I regret doing, probably the most regrettable one is you. This is supposed to be an open apology letter but hey, we were the only ones who knew what happened. No one will ever know what I did to you, what you did to me.

 

An open letter of apology:

I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart, from the darkest pits of my tarred soul. I was not supposed to be gulping that glass of sin because I’m not used to do delinquencies ever in my life. You know me… no, it’s wrong to say that because for almost 10 years that I knew you, there’s always this gap between us that separate me from you. Not even a thousand talks can make your heart get closer to me and I wonder who made that gap between us.

Don’t get me started with my 5 year relationship. I’m more than happy with what I have, with whom I am with. I’m more than blessed to have him in my life and believe it or not, he’s a better man than you are.

I do agree with what you told me. Maybe all of this is a bad case of a severe puppy love syndrome that I need to move on from. I also agree that I had to move on from that fateful night and to treat everything of this as a figment of my drunken imaginations and that, all of which never happened.  I wish I could but to tell you frankly, it’s been 6 years but I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I love my present lover with all my being but there’s always a small part in my heart for you. You’re always been a part of me. Yes, all I said was true. That was not just a cheap talk between bottles of alcohol and furious sticks of cigarettes. You were my first love, I could die for you. Immature, I believe I was. Stupid? Hah, I’d be an idiot for you.

But it’s all in the past now. We drifted apart, we grew up. I’m not the same crying baby you knew, you were not the same big fat asshole that I used to argue with. We found love in the arms of different people. We’re happier now than before… I wish you are as happy as I am.

What would things be if you and I became lovers? Hell, I’d be happy but I knew that it would just be a temporary happiness knowing you who change his mind every now and then. You and I are not meant to be but somehow I wish we were. Its better this way, I will not assume anymore.

It’s been a week, my unrequited love. Now, I can’t even look at you in the eyes while talking like I used to do. I cannot even talk to you straightforward because it’s awkward now. I’m still hoping that you will forgive me after all of that, that we would still be buddies even though it’s kind of hard to stay the same.

You’ll always be the one who taught me how to love a person despite of not receiving anything back. I hope you find someone who will love you despite of your temper, you hot headed asshole.

I sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart, from the darkest pits of my tarred soul